The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
