My first STD was from a foam party
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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