How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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