i wish my penis had a tongue
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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