Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
