Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
