Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My vagina is officially offended.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
