U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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