I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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