just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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