This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
