The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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