My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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