is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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