i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
