They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
