Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
