you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
