I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Holy sore nipples Batman
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
