Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
