im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
