Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i think i have herpe
just one?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
