The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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