Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
