You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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