Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have fence marks all over my body
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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