as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
