I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
