You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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