so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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