I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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