im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
