I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
