FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
