dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
All the doctor said was why
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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