True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
