If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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