I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
