you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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