This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
