Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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