I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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