How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
