ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
