the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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