Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
