so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
