Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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