is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
