Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
